Intoxication is my hiding place.
It’s the dark cave I run to when the light from the truth burns my eyes.
It’s the blanket that shields me from the cold whisper of my conscience.
It’s the closet I crawl in to escape the long arms of remorse and avoid the sharp claws of regret.

I pour it over my body and spray it onto my mind.
I soak in it.
Like deeply dampened bed sheets and darkly damaged pride.
Broken and scarred. Running and reeling.
I drink every drop to drown out my defects.
I toast to tomorrow to forget about today.
Buried alive by all I won’t remember.
Covered in lies by all I can’t forget.

I sip from its lips to fade out every memory.
I taste from its tongue to surrender every sin.
This world is too tough for my fears.
And too angry for my “almosts.”
The wait of my dreams is drugged by the weight of my indecision.

I stumble.
Fall without grace. Drunk with wasted wishes.
Lying face down in a pool of unkempt promises.
Far from the reach of failure.
Farther from the stares of success.

I can’t look at my face sober.
I can’t stand the sight of Real Me.
The daze of my days blurs my tired vision.
The artificial high keeps me above my superficial lows.
Tipsy with incoherent needs.
Totaled with incomplete sentences.

I don’t want to look at what I’ve done.
I don’t want to see what I’ve become.
So I feed my bones this poison.
To save my heart this pain.

But the beats still break on the inside.
The scars still bleed below the surface.
I am lost under the influence of all that scares me.
Unreached by honest eyes.
Unloved by familiar fingers.

I need to put down this bottle if I’m to rise above this battle.
It hurts to be open. But it’s the only way to be free.
I can’t show myself to the world until I reveal myself to me.

Unmasked and unmended.
Unarmed and unafraid.
Intoxication was my hiding place.
And only I can find me.

Only I will find me.


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