I think I get it now.
I think I understand why it happened this way.
Why I fell so hard down that hidden hole that it seemed like I was sinking into a cement sandbox. And every step was a collision between the angry earth and my stubborn soul. And every breath was a force of fucking nature. And every thought was a weapon of self-destruction.
Because I was killing myself by cornering myself in that simple road. That standard size that fit all but me. Insisting on spinning around somebody else’s square pegs and squeezing into everyone else’s safe places. Forcing my curiously-curved imagination down someone else’s straight path. And then hating myself for not fitting in.
I tried so hard to walk that narrow line that my toes turned against me. And my intuition ran for cover. And every single one of my senses called for backup. I wanted that way to work so badly. I wanted to wake up on the other side of “supposed to”, and realize I was the same as everyone else. That I was normal.
Because people like normal people.
People like things they can understand. And they run from shit they don’t. So, I pretended so long that I almost fooled myself. I almost lost myself… I almost became routine and rational and regular. I almost settled for less…
But the universe had other plans.
The universe knew better. The universe knew I was one of the crazy ones…
The crazy few.
So it knocked me down and pushed me around and punched me so far from simple that I stuttered through every word and stumbled through every verb and could barely put one day in front of the other…
It blocked my every attempt to retrace and blinded my every try to rewind. It detoured any decision I made that would’ve stuffed me back into that cookie-cut box. And it forced me to go away.
Forced me to leave behind everything and everyone that was keeping me stiff and stuck and stationary…. It shoved me so far from the hands I was holding and ripped me so hard from the life I was loaning that I couldn’t even remember who the hell I was.
It made me choose long and low and lonely…
Before exiling me to the extraordinary.
Kicking and screaming… Crying and dreaming…. And I hated it then. And I hated it for a long time. And I was angry…
But today, I met her.
And she was just as crazy as me.
And her choice of words and style of sentences awakened the deepest, most dormant parts of my red-hot soul. Her eyes ignited my passion and her ideas set me on fire. Her lips were fury and her fingers were flames… I was burning in this unexpected, unintended, yet perfectly-placed twist of fate…
She taught me to see and feel and breathe. She showed me the shapes of my biggest aspirations, and told me the names of my darkest lacerations, and took me to places I never thought I’d free. She opened every door that chance and circumstance seemed to seal shut. She made me remember, and recover, and realize. She made me grateful.
And she was everything.
She was all things.
And finally, everything made sense.
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